Do you know what your coworkers are thinking before they say it? Can you empathize with your customers? Can you express your feelings in an appropriate way? Do you deal with conflict directly and appropriately? If you answered yes to all of these so far, you are probably more emotionally literate than most of your coworkers.
Emotional illiteracy is a major crisis in corporate America. Many employees can read well, handle the math, and follow instructions. Where they usually get in trouble is in the area of working through conflict and communicating in an appropriate way.
Schools are just now beginning to understand the need for students to learn the skills of communicating emotions. While students have been channeled to learn what could be on an SAT test, they have missed opportunities to learn the skills that may serve them much better not only in the work world, but in the game of life.
So, what can you do to improve your emotional literacy?
Refine Feedback Skills
Giving and receiving feedback is a cornerstone of any potential improvement. Without a clear assessment from another perspective of what is going right and what needs to improve, improvement rarely happens.
Receiving feedback appropriately takes strong self esteem. And remember this important rule when you are giving feedback: Attack the problem and not the person.
It seems that people's willingness to receive feedback varies substantially at different stages of their lives.
Fifteen years ago, when people gave me feedback, I'd feel my heart racing and my face would flush. It didn't matter if it was good or bad feedback - I was clear that I flat out didn't want it. Now, I don't consider somebody a good friend unless he or she is willing to regularly "call me on my stuff" and challenge me to be a better person. Of course, being human has its limitations, and one of them is that we never completely get over wanting to aggressively attack back at someone who is tackling us.
Develop a Common Language
Instruments that help people understand why they act the way they do are growing in popularity in the workplace. The Myers-Briggs Type Inventory, one of the most popular instruments gives people a four-letter language with which to categorize an individual's preferences. While some people resist using these instruments because they fear being labeled, others find them better than using the other four-letter words to describe the same preferences, but in not so nice a tone and without the same respect for differences.
Have you ever tried to explain to a foreigner who does not speak your language how to get somewhere? It is difficult because there is no foundation of understanding. Using tools such as the Myers-Briggs inventory, and the CARE profile allow people to set their foundation of understanding.
Listen to Hear Emotions
John Gray's legacy is sure to be his work in describing the differences in communication patterns between men and women. One of his theories is that men listen to solve the problem, while women don't want the problem solved, they simply want others to hear how they feel.
For example, halfway through hearing his wife's complaint, Jack begins telling Mary how she could fix the problem. Mary wants him to say, "Oh honey, I can see why you would be upset by that." When Jack doesn't seem to hear her feelings, Mary gets angry - at him. He can't figure out why. Then she really pops her cork because the insensitive jerk doesn't even know why she's angry. Jack thought he did a good job by offering a solution. Unfortunately, he failed to say the magic words: "Oh honey, I can see you're really upset." The problem is the next time Mary is angry, Jack still won't acknowledge how she feels. He doesn't get it. He's emotionally illiterate.
Robert Johnson has written a series of books on the psychological development of men and women. He feels that men need to embrace their feminine side and that women, as they grow, should develop their masculine side. Our companies tend to be more masculine and patriarchal in nature, and so we have learned to solve problems at work. The problem is, we have forgotten the feminine part of our humanity - our ability to hear feelings.
